The Tragic Tale of the Irish Dancer & Her Incontinent Mother

March Madness has officially descended up on our world as we are just days away from St. Patrick’s Day.  Irish Dancer Girl will be shamrockin’ all over the city of Tucson (Irish Dance style) for the next week to spread leprechaun love amongst the citizens.  While going over the performance list this morning, my mind wandered back to a time in the not so distant past where my sweet girl gave me a lovely surprise just before her very first St. Patrick’s Day March Madness performance.  Thought it would be fun to take a stroll down memory lane with ya’ll and give you some giggles.  Sit a spell while I weave a tragic tale of the six year old Irish dancer and her incontinent mother.

One fine March day in 2009, Cat and I began our school morning cutting out shapes and chatting it up like two old ladies at bingo night. I had to (ahem) “use the little ladies room” for the 400th time in 20 minutes, and in the interest of safety, (because I’m one of those annoying over-protective “old” moms) I made Cat come with me…again. She hung out in her room across the hall until I had completed “my mission.” (Sorry, I’m trying to be delicate about this!) I complete “said mission” quickly (less than 3 minutes tops) and start across the hall to get Cat and resume our schoolwork. Her back is to me and she quickly calls out, “Don’t look in here, Mama! I have a surprise for you!” I sing out, “Yay, I love your surprises!” “Close your eyes!” she calls out excitedly!

After a few minutes, Cat meets me in the hall with her surprise. And yeah, to call it a surprise would be a mild understatement. My daughter is sporting some awesome Mia Farrow Frankenbangs! Did you catch that? Frankenbangs…Mia Farrow style…. This is Mia Farrow…
This is me upon seeing her “surprise.”

Typically, her surprises involve artistic drawings of me, maybe a tea party, or her wearing some shiny lipgloss, hooker style…not freshly cut Frankenbangs! 

Once I recovered from my shock and horror, (and made sure she still had her eyeballs,) I smiled and said “Wow! Look at you!” I clapped my hands (so I wouldn’t strangle myself) and grinned (while trying not to yank out my own hair), “How in the world did you manage that?” She holds up the blunt tip scissors we had been using earlier…the scissors that should still be in the classroom…the reason I made Cat come with me in the first place.

“I snuck the scissors with me!” She is so stinkin’ proud of herself. “I know you’re really busy and I wanted to help you so I cut my bangs!” Oh…now I remember…I had casually mentioned during breakfast that I needed to trim her bangs that afternoon so they would be out of her eyes for her dance performances the following day and this weekend.

Oh, did I forget to mention that my daughter has 4 IRISH DANCE PERFORMANCES OVER THE NEXT 6 DAYS ALONE!!!!! (sorry for the hysteria….) How the heck am I going to fix this little “franken-bump” in the road!!!!???

She must have watched me fast track it to the crazy train because her eyes started to fill with tears and her chin began quivering. “I’m sorry, Mama. I just wanted to surprise you.” Aw heck! How can I be upset with that? Her intention was clearly to “help a sister out.” She knew I was overwhelmed and wanted to ease my load. It was actually an act of kindness. I scooped her up and gave her a huge hug. “I love your bangs!” I smothered her with smoochies. ( I also did the whole “no scissors on your own hair, or anyone else’s hair either” lecture.)

What to do?  I didn’t have any “Grow” potion like Alice in Wonderland, and Edward Scissorhands wasn’t in the neighborhood for a fast fix. I spent the rest of my day (and I mean, the ENTIRE day) searching the city of Tucson for black and white headbands to fit her small head, and tiny bobby pins so Irish dancer girl could rock a new look at her performances.  Let me show what we were dealing with here…

BEFORE “do it yourself” bangs makeover….

AFTER…sporting her new look…

PERFORMANCE LOOK after “the makeover”

Yep, it’s a bit “pageant” hair in it’s look and her forehead looks like a watermelon, but she’s still adorable!  Oh, those were the days!  My wee dancer girl now looks like this…

Fortunately, she has steered clear of the scissors and lets a professional manage her hairstyle these days.  Now, I used to be one of those mom’s that would read something like this and think, “What the heck is wrong with that person! That would never happen in my house! Hmpf!”  Well, let me tell you, people, it DID happen and I’ve been forever humbled by the experience! I am no longer a Judgmental Janie! No way, no how!

I have decided to honor this occasion with an award…that I created myself…because I was a complete idiot  (Hugh, I know you are truly appreciating this…)

The Hall of Shame Parenting Award goes to……..Dawn, for her shameful parenting skills, her inability to keep track of a pair of blunt tip scissors, and for her lack of bladder control for more than 5 minutes at a time. You are the winner, Dawn! Congratulations on your award!

I am even going to create another award here! The Snip-Snip, Oopsy! Clip Award!  This is awarded for haircuts gone bad, self inflicted bang trauma, etc.  I graciously accept this one too. 

The above hack job was committed on this doll by yours truly when I was young and innocent. Sorry, Mom! At least I didn’t cut my sister’s hair!

Now…I need some moral support here. It would really give me a lift if you can share a really good hair hacking story with me. Or even a really embarrassing parenting moment! That would work too! I’ll take anything…I’m desperate to see I’m not the only fool in town!

Fingers crossed that March Madness this year will be filled with Irish fun and no horrible hair trauma.  (at least until it’s time to put on the curly wig…don’t even get me started…that’s a horror story in itself…Irish dance moms will totally feel the pain of that one…)  Hope you can get out to enjoy the Irish fun in your neighborhood!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!