Can I Elf You?

(Don’t forget to visit Shannon and her Week-end Wordles over at Last Shreds of Sanity!)

Once upon a time this morning, I wandered into the family room in my usual morning stupor. I threw back the curtains to find I had a visitor outside in the form of an elf.

Well, hello there, hottie! He was leaning against the tree holding a scroll. I went to open the door to invite him in.

“What are you doing here?” I purred in my sexy morning voice. (What? Don’t you have one of those?)

He winked at me (swoon) and nodded toward the St. Patty’s Day tree. “What do you think I’m doing here?”

I blushed. “Um…yeah…Is there a problem with the tree, Legolas?” I was feeling all tingly now. He came really close to me. Really close. “For you, my lady.” He handed me the scroll. “I come bearing glad tidings.” He brushed by me and bowed.

Be still my fluttery heart! I looked at the scroll closely. Oh jinkies…I had gotten one of these in mid January. I knew exactly who it was from.

I sighed, unrolled it and began to read.

Dearest Dawn,

While your white Christmas tree looks lovely covered in shamrocks, leprechauns, pots of gold, and the flags of Ireland, don’t you feel that this charade has gone on long enough? (Props to you for taking down the other 4 trees that you had up. At least you had enough sense to take those down in January.)

And even though Catherine was delighted to have it covered with hearts for Valentine’s Day, shouldn’t you just come to terms that you are just too stinkin’ lazy to take down the tree?

I know you’re planning on doing a shabby spring Easter theme on that tree in a few days. I KNOW. It’s time to take down the tree, dear. Put it in that nice tree bag you picked up at Target at 90% off. (Yes, the magic snowglobe shows us everything…)

Now, get along with the tree removal. It won’t be long until July when all the stores will be filled with Christmas décor and you can start all over again!

Mrs. Claus

p.s. Hope you enjoyed the special delivery elf! If you ask him to, he can just snap his fingers and become a naughty pirate for you too!

Mrs. Claus sure knows how to get a girl’s attention.

Well, that’s just fantastic. Another spanking by scroll from the holiday hostess with the most-est.

Doesn’t she understand I am busy blogging? Doesn’t she know that I am horribly behind in my comment lovin’? Can’t she see that I am exhausted this week and can’t come up with a blog post that makes sense? DOESN’T SHE CARE? Mrs. Claus!

I glance at Legolas. He is staring at me with intensity. I feel flush. I plop down on the sofa. Heck, I was just trying to get my money’s worth out of that tree.

“Can’t you conjure up some more of your elf friends to come and help me, Legolas?” I plead batting my lashes at him.

“Alas, I cannot. I can become a pirate for you though, and be your eye candy while you take down the tree.”

Bow-chicka-bow-wow…buh-bye White Christmas St. Patty’s Day Tree…Hello, Eye Candy!

Have a fabulous weekend! I’ve got some eye candy to ogle, me hearties!

p.s. Don’t get your panties in a wad, Chilly. I know how you are about certain female actresses!

Cleaning the Witch’s Cottage

Happy Birthday, Chilly!

Chilly is 41 today! As you may remember from my LONG post on Tuesday, Chilly was in the hospital on his birthday last year for a triple bypass. In honor of his one year Heartaversary and 41st Birthday, the kids and I would like to present Chilly with a cake!

Enjoy, Chilly! I knew you’d love it! (Excuse me while I go throw up…) Thank you, Cake Wrecks! Don’t worry, Chilly! We have your “real” cake waiting at home! (Didn’t have time to book the strippers you requested…sorry!)

Well, it’s been 65 days since I began my journey into the land of Blog! It’s also been 65 days since I’ve cleaned my house, fed my kids, done the laundry, took a shower…you get the picture. (not really…but it looks and smells that way; yuck!)

Today we are cleaning the witch’s cottage. We have to get everything ship shape for Chilly’s birthday party this evening. Hopefully, I will not suffer too terribly from blogger withdrawal. (Please pray for me. I’ll try to keep my twitches to a minimum especially since I hate cleaning as deeply as I love blogging…)

(Oh Sarcasm, dear sweet friend, must you show yourself in my blog on Chilly’s birthday? Now scooty on out of here!)

Normally I just wiggle my nose and snap my fingers to have a clean and tidy cottage. Alas, today it’s not to be. My alter ego, Samantha Stevens is hiding deep in the recesses of my subconscious. No amount of bribery seems to summon that crazy witch! I guess I’m on my own…flapdoodle and blatherskite as dear old Aunt Clara would say!

Cat and I have gathered our potions, brooms, magic vac and spell book. We’re going to try a little conjuring of our own. With a little luck, we may just end up with a sparkling clean house that doesn’t smell like a dumpster!

(Our little broom better not be bossy today! He can get out of control barking out his sweeping orders!)

Hopefully, we’ll finish early so I can enjoy a little quality “me” time before Chilly gets home. I just got this new book that is calling my name. Here…I’ll share a little with you… (Dad, you may want to turn from the computer at this point…just sayin’…)

Here’s a page from inside…are you ready? I can just feel your excitement…

In case you can’t read the page, it says…”As soon as I finish the laundry, I’ll do the grocery shopping. And I’ll take the kids with me so you can relax.”

Now that’s HOT! Hunky hotties that clean and help with the kids? That’s my kind of porn, baby! And this page is just a taste! I think I’ll read it while wearing my apron, rubber gloves and slipper genies. I’ll fan myself with my pink feather duster. I’m getting all tingly just thinkin’ about it!

How are you spending your Thursday?